There was a time when the United States was the responsible adult on the global playground. We counseled nations; we policed disputes; we provided comfort and care to those in need; we protected the weak from bullies. As a last resort we sometimes had to punish troublemakers. But we are no longer acting as a responsible adult. Instead we are acting like a wild-eyed ideological evangelist out to remake the world in our own image. Whoever does not fit that image is at risk of our wrath.
So here we have Iran, an unrepentant troublemaker, exacerbating the chaos we unleashed in Iraq and pursuing dreams of wiping out its enemies with nuclear weapons. Clearly something needs to be done.
The old United States would have had the clout and credibility to step up and deal with this diplomatically. The new United States does not and, even worse, apparently does not care to. The old United States would use the force of war only when the threat was immediate, severe, actual and indisputable. The new United States will use the force of war based on a spin campaign, and the spin has begun.
The best thing that we can do about Iran is to dig deep into the steaming pile of ideology and spin and find the old United States.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Friday, February 16, 2007
Answers to Rhetorical Questions
When I was in second grade my teacher was holding an impromptu spelling bee. She was providing the words from her desk and calling on students to spell the words aloud. When she called on me, the word to spell was "from". So I very carefully spelled it, "f-r-o-m-e".
She let out an exaggerated 'tsk', and asked, "Why would anyone spell 'from' with an 'e' on the end?"
I responded, "Because it rhymes with come and come is spelled c-o-m-e". The class giggled at my obvious logic, to which my teacher did not take kindly. I was sent to the Principal's office.
And so it began, my lifelong need to answer rhetorical questions...
Can you cry under water?
Yes, but your mascara does not run quite so dramatically so it's not as effective.
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If he is killed because WHAT he is, he is assassinated .
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
People who are willing to pay you a penny when they want your thoughts will actually charge you 2 cents to take the time out of their day to hear your unsolicited advice.
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Only if its polyester.
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
The paradigm is shifting. Since its easier to make square pizzas than round boxes, more and more pizzas are square.
What disease did cured ham actually have?
Life.
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Because those little wheels on luggage are 'Space Age' wheels and we had to wait for the space age.
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Because they could not hear themselves snoring, so they thought they slept like a baby.
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
No. To be politically correct its now called a "Meeting of persons litigating before a judicial authority to offer testimony to resolve matters or find facts" or MOPLBAJATOTTRMOFF for short.
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
To feel like Leona Helmsley and look down on all the little people.
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway?
To protect themselves in case anything you have on too tight goes flying across the room when you undo it.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
And Panty Liner is singular. Hmmmm Which panty does one line?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Well, clearly the world is full of indecent human beings who like burnt toast.
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
All you ever wanted to know about "Blue Tail Fly" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Tail_Fly
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
No. The car pool lane requires two passengers. The corpse is cargo.
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Trick question! They had a radio.
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Because Goofy is an anthropomorphic dog and Pluto is just a regular dog. This is allowed in cartoon world.
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
For the same reason that we spend $25,000 on an old car worth $3,000. It's the obsession.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Yeah, Yeah and motor oil is made from motors.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Only selective morality where it's OK to cheat on your wife and your taxes, while going to church every Sunday and condemning gay marriage.
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Yes
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
To answer the question above.
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
For the same reason we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway.
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Um, have you smelled your breath lately?
Do you ever wonder why the blogsphere is full of crap like this?
Because the Internet is actually a set of vacuum tubes and nature abhors a vacuum.
She let out an exaggerated 'tsk', and asked, "Why would anyone spell 'from' with an 'e' on the end?"
I responded, "Because it rhymes with come and come is spelled c-o-m-e". The class giggled at my obvious logic, to which my teacher did not take kindly. I was sent to the Principal's office.
And so it began, my lifelong need to answer rhetorical questions...
Can you cry under water?
Yes, but your mascara does not run quite so dramatically so it's not as effective.
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If he is killed because WHAT he is, he is assassinated .
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
People who are willing to pay you a penny when they want your thoughts will actually charge you 2 cents to take the time out of their day to hear your unsolicited advice.
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Only if its polyester.
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
The paradigm is shifting. Since its easier to make square pizzas than round boxes, more and more pizzas are square.
What disease did cured ham actually have?
Life.
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Because those little wheels on luggage are 'Space Age' wheels and we had to wait for the space age.
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Because they could not hear themselves snoring, so they thought they slept like a baby.
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
No. To be politically correct its now called a "Meeting of persons litigating before a judicial authority to offer testimony to resolve matters or find facts" or MOPLBAJATOTTRMOFF for short.
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
To feel like Leona Helmsley and look down on all the little people.
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway?
To protect themselves in case anything you have on too tight goes flying across the room when you undo it.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
And Panty Liner is singular. Hmmmm Which panty does one line?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Well, clearly the world is full of indecent human beings who like burnt toast.
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
All you ever wanted to know about "Blue Tail Fly" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Tail_Fly
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
No. The car pool lane requires two passengers. The corpse is cargo.
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Trick question! They had a radio.
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Because Goofy is an anthropomorphic dog and Pluto is just a regular dog. This is allowed in cartoon world.
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
For the same reason that we spend $25,000 on an old car worth $3,000. It's the obsession.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Yeah, Yeah and motor oil is made from motors.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Only selective morality where it's OK to cheat on your wife and your taxes, while going to church every Sunday and condemning gay marriage.
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Yes
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
To answer the question above.
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
For the same reason we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway.
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Um, have you smelled your breath lately?
Do you ever wonder why the blogsphere is full of crap like this?
Because the Internet is actually a set of vacuum tubes and nature abhors a vacuum.
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